You know how they say "Life is a Roller-coaster"- sometimes you're high up at the top and all of a sudden in a matter of seconds you hit rock bottom. And it seems like when you hit that low it takes so much longer to reach that top again... But what if you just never reach the top? What if you feel like you're simply stuck down there and everything that occurs around you just piles up on top of you? And amongst the heaps of thoughts, situations, chores and tears you lose yourself... What happens then?
Overreacting? No not really. You see last December my hero, my granddad, passed on and I was so heart broken that I thought I would never be able to feel happy or smile again... Then a man appeared into my life... it wasn't the typical movie romance but it was nice and the more time passed the better things were becoming and the stronger my feelings were growing...
Then Easter rolled by and as we went our separate ways to visit our families in our respective home countries, so did our relationship. He seemed like a decent one! I know, we always say this. But he actually did! Yes, there was some polishing to be done and some characteristics to get used to but it was lovely... I was falling in love for the first time in a very very long time...
And so was he... you'd think it was with me but surprise, surprise! It was a girl from his neighbourhood he had only just met. Three weeks of not seeing me, and all that we had, all that I meant to him, all that I did for him vanished into thin air and the piece of my heart that I had given him was simply thrown away like yesterday's garbage...
Sad blog compared to the rest, I know. But I did warn you that there would be times where you would cry with me... That time has come. I didn't write before because I guess I couldn't bear to see it written down black on white. It hurts... it hurts to know that someone I gave so much to, thought I was replaceable in such a short period of time.
Of course I am now moving on and it's not like my life stopped or anything. The first week was hard but it gradually got to a bearable point where he wasn't the first thought on my mind when I woke up and the last one before going to bed. But I still go over every single detail to see where I did wrong, what I could have done to prevent it... I know I couldn't have acted differently and the only plausible conclusion I could come to was that he couldn't handle me.
He couldn't handle the fact that I am so active in my life, that I am a success-driven person, motivated and happy. That I speak my mind too much maybe, that I go out of my way to make someone else smile, that I work hard and ultimately always get what I want and that I brought out a side of him that he never knew existed. A more mature, responsible side in a proper adult relationship where he had to make some commitments and a bit of an effort to make things work.
Maybe his new girl doesn't expect any of this from him. Maybe she doesn't challenge his ways or make him want to be a better person, maybe she's just comfortable with his old ways. Who knows? Not me and I honestly don't think I want to know either.
There's a particular scene from the movie Driving Aphrodite where a woman asks the oracle "why did my husband cheat on me?" and the oracle simply replies "He did not cheat on you. Some men simply cheat themselves from a woman who loves them and a good life with her". I'd like to believe so too. Actually I know so. But in the process of cheating on himself there is no denying that he broke my heart, he disappointed and hurt me and just as my ride on the roller-coaster of life was reaching the top, something happened and it simply retracted in just a moment back to the bottom.
Just when I was starting to believe, to feel alive again, life turned round on me and presented me with another hurdle. Of course self-pity, low self-esteem, tears and anger all haunted me, but not for long because what's the use of asking "why? why me? what did i do to deserve this?!" when 1. nobody can give you an answer 2. it's only one part of life that went completely wrong.
Life is all about moving on and becoming stronger than before, willowing in self-pity will not get us anywhere at all so today I lift my margarita to all those of you who have been cheated upon by life, by a man, by a woman, by a friend... may you find the strength in your beautiful self to take it in your stride and let it shape you into an even more beautiful person. No one has the right to hurt you in that manner, don't give them the satisfaction of making your smile disappear! Stay strong :) xxx
