Two Peas in a Pod?

I'm really really bad with this blogging thing. Seems like I don't find it in me to blog and blog except for the times where I really have to blog... Hence why I guess I never really went public with it. Then I realised, I really do love blogging and writing and sharing, so why not? Wow I have used "really" one too many times, right there... 

Hmm, where was I? Oh yeah really bad at blogging... So I was thinking well my life is eventful enough to possibly write a blog about my own life but I will save you all the petty details, if that's what you're worried about. I mean I do looooveee fashion so a fashion blog could have been an option but a very good friend of mine is a fashion blogger and besides me being completely addicted to her blog, we kind of think very much alike so I really wouldn't be giving much back to the blogging community by creating my own fashion blog. 

Which brings me to today's subject. I am a born and bred food lover. Since I was a tiny little kid, I used to spend hours with my grandad on his lap in the kitchen cooking and smelling and tasting. My grandad, you must know, was one of the queen of England's chefs when she resided in Malta. (How cool is that?!) Naturally, cooking became a huge passion of mine- the smelling, tasting and creating is an addiction on its own. So far so good, right?

Until it's not... because as it happens, my other passion is fashion- more specifically dresses, loads and loads of dresses and earrings and shoes and shoees and bags and headbands and bows and flowers and anything with a vintAge (as the French pronounce it) flair. Yes, I admit it - I do not own one single pair of jeans, trousers actually except for a classic high waisted black skinny leg pant from Zara which I am in love with since it makes my backside actually look something like JLO's (or so I hope). 

This thus leads to my daily moral dilemma which haunts me at every single waking moment... What, in heaven's and all its residents' name, WHAT was God thinking when He put the cooking and the fashion genes into one pod- me. I mean let's face it, it's not hard to decipher that being a lover of food is almost like saying 2012 is happening right NOW, if I even but try and conceive the idea of a diet. Good quality food to me is as good as anything which usually involves a naked torso on a cinema screen, if you get my drift? I mean we only live once right? So what do you do? Every opportunity I pass to savour food is one that may never come again. But then every opportunity I indulge in is a step further for me from ever being able to wear clothes of a certain type by certain amazing names like Chanel and Dior and Vivienne Westwood and their likes really. 

So every single day of my life I am stuck in this, no really I'm not even exaggerating, existential crisis of which side to go to... Will it be heavenly taste of delicious food or the devilish yet so so tempting ways of the fashion industry? Since it kind of alternates depending on days I really am not doing much progress with actually choosing a side... With an "I'll diet tomorrow" mantra and an "I absoeffinlutely-must-try-out-that-recipe" attitude, you don't have to be Einstein to realise it is a losing battle, the one I'm fighting. 

Nevertheless, I may or may not see the end of this at one or some point, until then I shall continue shopping to dress my voluptuous 1940's curvatures (I always think I was born in the wrong era! These curves could have made me famous in those days! Screw you size 0!!) and savour the essence of incredible flavours to my heart's content. But really, life would have been so much easier if only my pod had one specific pea... So I raise my Margarita to all those who have to live with the continuous struggle of juggling two surprisingly opposing peas in the same pod, may you all find the right balance to be as happy and as fulfilled as those who are lucky enough to carry one pea. :) 

3 is the Magic Number

So I was about to fall asleep and I was in that state between drifting off to dreamland and being in tune with all that was happening around me. Until, unexpectedly, numbers (I honestly don't do numbers) came to my head. I started thinking about all the meanings and associations we give to numbers and realised how every digit has some kind of powerful meaning to us.

Then I thought about my favourite number- 3. They say it's the magic number. What the heck? Even a song has been written to honour this. For me, it represents my birthday, and as clichéd as this may be, it is probably the reason why I grew so fond of it in the first place. 3, however, also represents the number of people in my family as well as my phone network connection (unpaid name dropping). So it's clear, I personally have a strong connection to the number, but besides me and the three musketeers, why does the rest of the world think 3 is a magic number?

I mean, think about it. Nothing comes in threes: One winner takes it all; It takes two to tango; Conventional cars come with 4 wheels; We have 5 senses; 6 stands for Evil; 7 is the perfect number; 8 represents a new beginning; It takes 9 months for a mother to give birth; and there are Ten commandments. 

Even in Fairy tales! The princess slept on one pea, Cinderella had two ugly sisters, Snow white had seven dwarfs and Sleeping Beauty- well I guess she slept for a hundred years, numbers didn't really matter to her. 

I kept on battling with all these ideas for quite a while until it hit me straight in the heart... Three is the magic number because only the most special and unique things have a connection to 3. For Christians, the basis of their faith is built on the fact that Jesus rose again on the Third day and they also believe in an omnipotent Trinity. 3 is the start of a crowd- and a crowd only gathers when something BIG happens. 3 is what sums each one of us up- Past, Present and Future. But more importantly the phrase we all long to hear, the phrase we all need to hear, the phrase we're all afraid to say comes in a trio of words: I LOVE YOU.

The three simplest words in the English language, the three most singularly overused words, come together, in one phrase, which can be heart-stopping-ly life changing. 

I am a hopeless, self- declared 'I love you' (and there is no other way to put this diplomatically) slut. I recognise the power those 3 words have and shamelessly declare them to the people who I truly love, as much as humanly possible. 

Then again, isn't that the secret of those 3 words? We don't say them until we mean them (or rather until we find the courage to utter them), but once we do, shouldn't we then, never, ever get tired of repeating them? I don't think anybody can or ever will get tired of hearing those people who matter in their lives, reminding them of how much they are loved.

This is why 3 is the magic number- it stands for all the magic we have in our lives. The magic of being part of or in front of a crowd, the magic of hope in an omnipotent Divinity, the magic of how our past, present and future are intrinsically intertwined within us as individuals and the greatest magic of all- L.O.V.E.

And so today, with great pleasure, I raise my Margarita to the number 3- a number, which doesn't often appear in our lives, but when it does, it defines us. May you all experience the 3's you desire, whether it's faith, whether it's self-knowledge or whether it's those three powerful, magic words: 

"i.love.you"

:) xxx

The One Mirror We Simply Cannot Escape...

I was just reading my last blog which I published 6 months ago and it got me thinking how things can drastically change over such a short period of time. As I was going over my own words, I couldn't help but feel, a tiny spark of pride that I had written such things just weeks after what happened to be the worst ever break up of my life, to date.

It seems to me like being single is how I strike a balance in life- but maybe, just maybe, could it be that it is only because when you're single you're the only one in control? Yes, I undoubtedly love being on top and having everything under my own will. But if things slip out even when I'm on top, how can I trust that occasionally alternating won't get even messier? 

I guess after falling so many times, we build a tower around us and create our own comfort zone, surrounded by thorns and poisonous bushes, and just like Rapunzel we hide in there, waiting for that one man, brave enough and moreover patient enough to break through.

In our long and painful await, we start wondering whether this will ever happen, whether there will ever be a man who'll even try to fight through, if not to mention survive our tried and tested, own-built security system. And all of a sudden the idea of a prince charming riding on a white horse starts to become hazy and distant. We begin to blame ourselves, and thus start avoiding all the mirrors around us, which remind us of all our petty defects and imperfections that in our minds make us so undesirable and unworthy.

Just like that, we lose our reflection and live in our cotton wrapped worlds trying to protect ourselves from anything which may push us out of that cold, dark tower that we purposely lost the key for. Funnily enough we even feel good about it- unbreakable even. We turn that tower into a nice, homely, cosy place for ourselves, we buy tiny fairy lights, cover the walls in pretty wall paper and hang beautiful flowing curtains. We put so much effort into it and feel so at home in it, that we start forgetting why we haven't done this earlier. And we do find happiness, dare I say even inner happiness (as I mentioned in my last blog) as we realise that being alone is not so bad after all, it's a relief almost to not have anyone ruin your mood or plans with anything they say or do or even worse don't say or do in many cases. 

It all works perfectly well, until one blissful evening, so beautiful it mesmerises you, tempts you to escape the tower for a few moments, because unlike Rapunzel's tower, ours always has a secret exit only we know about. And in that brief period of time you make your way to civilisation, you bump into a man, maybe a complete stranger, maybe a best friend- your eyes meet and in that starry atmosphere, you let go of all inhibitions. You forewarn yourself that it will be for one night and never again, and so you run back to the tower and pull the secret door closed tightly again.

But there is something about that night, something which makes you reflect in the light of day- a zazazoom which rushes through your body every time you remember his lips on yours, which God forbid, makes you wonder, if all of a sudden, the tower has become slightly too restricting for your own liking. 

And what do you do if he's outside calling your name? What do you do if he proclaims to you that he feels that same zazazoom you do?  What do you do if he tells you he's willing to risk everything for you? What do you do if he tells you that your one kiss gave a new meaning to his life?

That, my friends, is the one mirror we simply cannot and will not ever be able to escape from... A mirror which lies in another person who reciprocates our same feelings... For that we let our hair down, we are willing to not only leave the tower but to also meet him halfway through the thorns and poisonous bushes. Because after all, even if the tower was lovely and safe, we yearn for that bonus point, that something more which gives a new dimension to our lives.

So today, I raise my margarita to those mirrors we can't and realistically, don't want to run away from. To those people who allow us to see ourselves in them, sometimes even better than we see our own selves. I lift it to those special people, who leave us no choice but to sprint towards them and give them the secret code to our secret door. May we all, sooner or later, find our own knight in shining armour to rescue us from the comfort of our own tower :) xxxx

Singularly Single

The good thing about being single is that Summer is here. This hot 'n' spicy season brings with it long drunken nights, hungover days at the beach, a lovely golden tan and without a doubt... summer love.

So I left my home in the new land to return back to my native home for the three and a half months of salty pleasures... And on my journey back I remembered why I love being single so much! It was fun and funny at the same time.

Even if I went through the self-inflicted hassle of leaving 45 minutes late for the train, having to ask random strangers to help me carry my overweight luggage (full of the most amazing summer dresses!) and sliding the luggage underneath the barriers when they closed on me (Yes, I got loads of glares as I set off the alarms... If I don't make a scene, then it's not me), I had an omnipresent feeling of independence, freedom and inner happiness.

And it hit me just as I was listening to my ipod waiting for the next train to come that I'm happy, I was glowing from the inside! For the first time after some time, me smiling depended on my own accomplishments, my own way of dealing with things, my own way of being. Yes, I love being me and knowing that I can count on myself to make things right!

I feel like I had lost myself for a while, I forgot what made me who I am. I was relying on others to make my day and to make me feel important. But that morning was different... It all came back to me. I love shopping! I love the glamourous life! I love to enjoy it! I love to have a drink or two in lovely places! I love Rose' Wine! I love to be in control of things! and I love love love to think that I can do all of it on my own without feeling a hint of loneliness!

It's not about wanting to be alone or wanting to be single all my life but rather about self-knowledge. Knowing myself well enough to be able to be in my own company without getting bored! When you get to this point you have a special smile on your face and a particular glint in your eyes which is much cheaper and so much more effective than plastic surgery. People will stop to look at you because you ooze confidence and happiness. It is undoubtedly the best feeling in the world.

I have come so far and accomplished so much from last Summer to this one and I did not stop to think of it once, before that moment when I was waiting at the train station. It was as if someone gave me a makeover, no more heavy thoughts, no more why's? and what ifs? nothing! I was just immensely pleased of where I am in life and how I am taking things into my stride- I was glowing with self-appreciation.

Of course, I cannot help but mention that half my confidence came from the fact that I was well-prepared for my journey. Yes, that day proved that an extra pair of sheer tights and a 50ml spray bottle of deodorant can make any girl go a long way. Only because whatever you go through, you have a plan B to fall back onto- and the great news is- you thought of it yourself!! ;)

So today I raise my Margaritas to self-appreciation and inner happiness. The only two things in life that are as essential as mascara and lip gloss! May you all take some time to go out in the sun feel the warmth and give yourselves a good pat on the back for having made it so far- whatever your life story was! And remember to Smile :) Everyone will wonder what you're up to :) xxx

When the roller-coaster never seems to reach the top...

You know how they say "Life is a Roller-coaster"- sometimes you're high up at the top and all of a sudden in a matter of seconds you hit rock bottom. And it seems like when you hit that low it takes so much longer to reach that top again... But what if you just never reach the top? What if you feel like you're simply stuck down there and everything that occurs around you just piles up on top of you? And amongst the heaps of thoughts, situations, chores and tears you lose yourself... What happens then?

Overreacting? No not really. You see last December my hero, my granddad, passed on and I was so heart broken that I thought I would never be able to feel happy or smile again... Then a man appeared into my life... it wasn't the typical movie romance but it was nice and the more time passed the better things were becoming and the stronger my feelings were growing... 

Then Easter rolled by and as we went our separate ways to visit our families in our respective home countries, so did our relationship. He seemed like a decent one! I know, we always say this. But he actually did! Yes, there was some polishing to be done and some characteristics to get used to but it was lovely... I was falling in love for the first time in a very very long time...

And so was he... you'd think it was with me but surprise, surprise! It was a girl from his neighbourhood he had only just met. Three weeks of not seeing me, and all that we had, all that I meant to him, all that I did for him vanished into thin air and the piece of my heart that I had given him was simply thrown away like yesterday's garbage...

Sad blog compared to the rest, I know. But I did warn you that there would be times where you would cry with me... That time has come. I didn't write before because I guess I couldn't bear to see it written down black on white. It hurts... it hurts to know that someone I gave so much to, thought I was replaceable in such a short period of time. 

Of course I am now moving on and it's not like my life stopped or anything. The first week was hard but it gradually got to a bearable point where he wasn't the first thought on my mind when I woke up and the last one before going to bed. But I still go over every single detail to see where I did wrong, what I could have done to prevent it... I know I couldn't have acted differently and the only plausible conclusion I could come to was that he couldn't handle me.

He couldn't handle the fact that I am so active in my life, that I am a success-driven person, motivated and happy. That I speak my mind too much maybe, that I go out of my way to make someone else smile, that I work hard and ultimately always get what I want and that I brought out a side of him that he never knew existed. A more mature, responsible side in a proper adult relationship where he had to make some commitments and a bit of an effort to make things work. 

Maybe his new girl doesn't expect any of this from him. Maybe she doesn't challenge his ways or make him want to be a better person, maybe she's just comfortable with his old ways. Who knows? Not me and I honestly don't think I want to know either. 

There's a particular scene from the movie Driving Aphrodite where a woman asks the oracle "why did my husband cheat on me?" and the oracle simply replies "He did not cheat on you. Some men simply cheat themselves from a woman who loves them and a good life with her". I'd like to believe so too. Actually I know so. But in the process of cheating on himself there is no denying that he broke my heart, he disappointed and hurt me and just as my ride on the roller-coaster of life was reaching the top, something happened and it simply retracted in just a moment back to the bottom. 

Just when I was starting to believe, to feel alive again, life turned round on me and presented me with another hurdle. Of course self-pity, low self-esteem, tears and anger all haunted me, but not for long because what's the use of asking "why? why me? what did i do to deserve this?!" when 1. nobody can give you an answer 2. it's only one part of life that went completely wrong. 

Life is all about moving on and becoming stronger than before, willowing in self-pity will not get us anywhere at all so today I lift my margarita to all those of you who have been cheated upon by life, by a man, by a woman, by a friend... may you find the strength in your beautiful self to take it in your stride and let it shape you into an even more beautiful person. No one has the right to hurt you in that manner, don't give them the satisfaction of making your smile disappear! Stay strong :) xxx

Just a small town girl

One of the most commonly heard songs on the radio and anywhere else is Don't stop Believing originally sung by Journey and adapted by the Glee cast. It's also my morning song.

It's funny how I listen to it everyday as soon as I wake up and yet I can't go further than the first paragraph and the chorus when it comes to lyrics. There is something about that small town girl mentioned at the beginning which engages me, gives me strength and energy. I feel like I can relate to her.

I don't come from a small town, I come from a small country, but I do feel like I'm living in a lonely world, away from home, away from friends and family. I've made new friends of course and everything is going well but home's where the heart is and my heart is in another time zone.

This feeling however made me think, we may not all be from small towns, countries, families, but we all do get that feeling of being tiny in a lonely world of unfamiliar faces. We all get that sensation of emptiness and loss. 

And almost always it's us who have to take the initiative to push those feelings away. We have to stand up to our own selves and start believing again. To believe is to have hope, hope in a better day, in a happier moment, in something, somewhere that will fill that void that lies within. That same thing that will make us feel like we fit in- we belong even though our roots are planted elsewhere. 

Just like the girl in the song, I too feel like catching a train going anywhere, just randomly looking for that magic, that fulfilling sensation. Don't we all? So how can you not think of that boy 'born and raised in south Detroit' that catches that same train going anywhere? Don't we all want to believe that they met? That her world was not lonely any more after that night? Wouldn't it be nice to know that for one night, it didn't matter that she was from a small town and he was from the city... they were themselves and they filled each other's emptiness, even if momentarily.

The song does not give anything away, but I guess I will always think  it happened just because it gives me that warm ,fuzzy feeling on the inside that there is hope; that wherever I go and whatever I do I will find that one thing, that one person who will make me feel home again, like I belong. 

So tonight or rather this morning, I'd like to raise my Margarita to all those things, all those special people who fill my void and yours, because without them, our world would be very lonely indeed. Cheers! 

When saying nothing is saying a lot

March... the third month of the year and as the snow is clearing and the sun's appearing so is my life flowering. As I was deeply earthed following my February mantra of living in the present, I caught a glimpse of two gorgeous eyes looking my way, belonging to quite a man I must say- and maybe it wasn't love at first sight, maybe this isn't your typical 'lovey-dovey' story, but whatever this is, wherever I am right now, is without a doubt called, a happy place.

And this lovely man has already popped the question! Yes he has... he has asked me, quite a number of times now, the question which all women dread to answer... "what are you thinking?"

It is quite elaborate the way a woman's mind works- what we think about has often no logical sense once vocalised. Most of the times it's an inner desire, a deep feeling, a dream, a thought which under no circumstance do we want our man to be familiar with , especially if this man is still wearing the price tag and the clothes that he came in.

It often depends on the level of comfort, trust and understanding between the two, but the determining factor is how much weight that thought carries. As much as we may sometimes confess the truth, we do tend to avoid the question by stating the obvious or more likely by uttering the word every man dreads... "nothing" followed by the most innocent of smiles.

And mr.man, please note, a woman's nothing may well mean more than anything. 

There's no other option... we resort to the "nothing" card when we know our thoughts will be made fun of, argued against, rejected, confirmed or worse of all, will make him run for the hills. 

So if you're a man who is reading this, know to never push a woman who says "nothing" to reveal, but be aware that something is going on and, honestly all you need is some intuition, attention to detail even, to find out for yourself. The smile that follows says a lot, a woman who looks you in the eyes and smiles means she's happy and  might feel a lot more for you than she is ready to express. If a woman looks away and goes deeper in thought,then you know something is simply not right so work your words well (yes, think before you speak!!) to find out what it is.

There are a lot of things women want to say. It's finding the right time, right words, right man to say them to, until then we may opt for a smile, a kiss, a look or simply a 'nothing'.

So I raise my Margarita today, to absence of words... it may seem like nothing but it does mean a lot.